It's going to sound cheesy and dramatic and you will probably think I'm reading too much into this...
But I know better.
& on a side note, I need to start taking myself - and life for that matter - seriously, because I tend to treat everything as a joke. This is a powerful coping mechanism, but it's completely not okay.
Anyway, back to tonight.
It starts with my friends convincing me to go to chapel tonight. After a long week of stressful exams and whatnot, I wanted to just curl up in my bed with Netflix, but something tugged on my heart and said, "Just go with them, what could it hurt? You need the credit anyway!"
So I went with them. The worship was...weird. My friends didn't like it that much. It definitely wasn't my ideal style/song choice, yet God chose to speak to me through the lyrics - and through Katie, the woman who spoke.
Katie talked about secrets and sacred things. She shared how she had been in Christian leadership for years, while hiding an eating disorder. She spoke of the freedom she experienced when she finally became vulnerable and shared things with other people and humbled herself to ask for help.
I was so struck by this, because I have been struggling with a particular sin for a while, and keeping it to myself has been incredibly hard. It has made me a really good liar, and developed a cynicism towards God and others in my heart. This year, the Lord has been making a lot of wonderful changes in my life and heart and has helped me conquer a lot of my sin... but I have not yet conquered the guilt and shame in the aftermath.
Because the thing about sin is that it's kind of bipolar - or maybe it's more that the devil has such polar tactics in tripping us up. Because one minute he will be like, "It's fine, it's no big deal, who's ever going to find out?" and all the other lies he uses to tempt us. Yet as soon as we acknowledge that what we have been doing is indeed wrong, the whispering voices immediately shift their tone from friendly to accusatory: "Don't you realize if anyone knew what you've done, they would be disgusted? They would hate you, they would never understand. You're a monster - you're worthless." We go from denial to guilt - and neither is an emotion that God wants us to feel.
Anyway, I love my college friends. I spend nearly every waking moment with them. However, the very thought of them ever discovering some of my secrets - of me being vulnerable with them and confessing not only my sin but the work Christ has accomplished in me - seemed overwhelming. They won't understand, they won't love me anymore. When they look at me all they will see is my ugly, awful sin. I sobbed at this thought that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.
Then we started singing "How Deep the Father's Love For Us" and I lost it.
I will not boast in anything,
No gifts, no power, no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ -
His death and resurrection.
I kept thinking, what am I holding on to? My reputation as a perfect Christian girl who wants to go be a missionary someday? My identity in my friends' approval? My P R I D E ? These were the things holding me back from being honest with the people in my life. Yet I cannot boast in any of these things. I can only boast in Jesus Christ - and to do so means to confess my sin and how He has delivered me from it! I would be an ugly monster if it weren't for Christ, and everyone should know it.
So I cried a lot, I stayed for extended worship, I talked to Katie afterwards and she prayed for me, blah blah. It was all nice and whatnot. But that's not the most important part of what happened tonight.
When Katie finished praying for me, I left and walked around campus for a while, trying to find a place to pray. I asked God that the Chapel would be open (they usually lock it) and low and behold - it was! So I went in and started praying. I started getting really into it with God and all of the sudden a Campus Safety guy barges in, turns the lights on and says he has to lock up. I was so frustrated. I thought, God, I ain't even close to being finished talking to you! Why did you let my time with You be interrupted? ......*crickets* surprise, surprise.
So I continue to walk around and I came across a field behind the dorms in which I live. I decided to walk around and sing some of the songs from tonight (I felt a little bit like a crazy person, but it's fine), and then I decided to lay in the grass and stare at the stars. I started praying again and honestly I don't even remember what I was saying to God at that point - I just remember I was feeling really discouraged and unloved by Him.
And as I looked up into the sky - to be honest, I didn't even dare to request it - I simply thought to myself, If God could give me a shooting star right now, that would be sick. I could really use a sign of His love. However, being the rational cynic that I am, I didn't even consider it actually happening.
And that's when it happened. God gave me a shooting star. It was so sudden, but so clear: its tail was a shimmery, purplish-pink color and the head was brighter than all the surrounding stars. It shot from left to right: It was there for a second, and then gone.
After that, I couldn't contain my joy. I just kept muttering, "God loves me - he really loves me!" and "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Talk about crazy person wandering around a field in the dark. But I truly didn't care. I just remember laughing and saying, "Are you serious right now? This is insane." I ran back to the dorms and told my friend Olivia right away, because I knew she'd take me seriously.
Anyway, I had to write this down, because I knew the more time that passed, the more it would seem like a dream. I don't ever want to think it was a dream - I don't ever want to doubt God's love for me or reduce the gift He gave me.
So that's my story. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Also He gave me my own shooting star, so I think that's pretty cool. He didn't have to do that - but I'm glad He did.
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