"I Do What I Want"

As a Christian, I have an attitude problem.

Sounds a little contradictory, huh? Well it's true. I've always been kind and friendly to authority figures because I'm a people pleaser. However, if I don't like something they are doing or telling me to do, I go into this mode, "Well forget you! I answer to God and God alone so why should I respect you if I don't like you or you don't deserve it?" This hasn't caused a lot of problems in my life because I really like and respect my parents, teachers and most of my other authority figures.  But there have been times, I'm ashamed to admit, when I have behaved terribly due to this hyperconfidence I have in the fact that I obey God.

I was reading Romans 13 this morning in this super cute, vintage coffee shop downtown. I was really surprised by what I found. I don't think I've ever read this passage before but it says, "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgement on themselves." Wow, right? Just take a moment and let that sink in. God APPOINTS all authorities? So those of you more conservative Christians are probably thinking, "you mean it was in God's will for Obama to get re-elected? Not a chance." But that's basically what this passage is saying, unless I'm grossly misinterpreting it.

I think this is good news and bad news, at least for me. The bad news is that I can't arrogantly walk around like some kind of royalty and just choose to respect whatever authority I like or agree with. I am called to respect and submit to ALL authority in my life, because if I don't, I'm not respecting the Lord who is my ultimate authority. It's pretty humbling. The good news, though, is that for one thing, I will probably be a much more pleasant person if I start applying this to my life ;) which will bring glory to God and be a great testament to my faith as a follower of Christ. The second piece of good news is that this just shows how sovereign God is. It is so comforting to know that even when I don't understand it, He has an ultimate plan and purpose. There is a reason my parents are MY parents. My teachers weren't just randomly assigned to me. God put my boss in my life for a reason. How cool is that? I just feel so safe knowing that He is in control. It's a hard concept to grasp when I really disagree with what my authorities are doing, but that's where faith and trust come in I suppose. He is good. He works our all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

It isn't going to be an easy change for me to make. But I think its something we all need to learn to do, whether with the government, at work, at school, in families or marriage, whatever. Just like when Jesus says that when we clothe and feed the poor we are clothing and feeding Him, in the same way when we submit to our earthly authorities we are submitting to Him.

And please feel free to hold me accountable to this new resolution I have. I'm a work in progress... But we all are!

Reawakening My Nervous System

"I feel numb"

        An oxymoron, clearly

                   But sometimes I do.  

                            How else can we describe the feeling of not feeling anything at all? 

When I think back to my freshman year I realize how much I cared.  I wanted everyone to think I was cool, pretty, fashionable, smart and not trying too hard.  I wanted to be all of my teachers' favorite student and have a perfect GPA.  I wanted to get all the leads in the school plays.  I wanted to constantly impress my boyfriend.  I wanted to be in the worship band every week.  Most of these are great goals, but I just don't feel the same way anymore.  Blame senioritis, cold weather or whatever else, but I'm finding that everyday as I get closer to the glorious date of June 2nd when I will be forever done with high school, I just don't care.  I absolutely love some of my teachers, but if one or two of them doesn't particularly like me, it doesn't bother me at all.  I feel like half of my life I walk around in sweatpants with no makeup on, although I do put in some effort the other 50% of the time.  My GPA is far from perfect - although it did get me into my dream school so that's good enough for me.  Since I've already been accepted, though, it's difficult to still care about school.  I'm in the school play and I've got a good part but I find myself bored at rehearsal.  Oh and my mentality has completely shifted from freshman year when I was all, "FRIENDS!!! MAKE ALL THE FRIENDS SMILE AT EVERYONE AND BE REALLY NICE AND FUNNY" to "If you're not already my friend I don't even want to make small talk with you because it's not worth my time."  I'm not trying to glorify my attitude, but I really hope some of you are starting to relate to how I've been feeling this year.     

So how do you make yourself care?  How do you keep your apathy from overflowing into your relationship with God?  These are the kinds of questions that I have to ask myself daily.  I have to fight against laziness, selfishness and apathy.  I have to make time for the Lord even when I don't feel like it.  One of the hardest things to do each day is merely opening the pages of the Bible - but once I do, I am so glad I did.  

Outside of my spiritual life, the few things that have kept me going this year are actually surprising.  One of those things is tutoring.  I had to join a volunteer agency for my AP Econ class, so I decided to become a tutor.  Everyday I spend my lunch period attempting to help kids with their homework or editing their papers.  I went into it expecting to hate the experience, but so far I've been proven wrong.  All of the kids that I've helped have been so sweet, friendly and willing to accept my help.  Helping them gives me a satisfaction that I can't even describe.  I think we were created with a desire to serve others, you know?  Some of us are better than others, but we all have it in us.  We were created in the image of God, and He demonstrates His passion for serving others through all of the things Jesus did on earth: healing strangers, washing his disciples' feet, asking John to baptize Him, and of course His ultimate sacrifice of dying for us.  Because of this, I truly believe that one of the best anti-depressants is serving others!  This is something I've learned not only through tutoring, but through the middle school ministry at my church.

The summer before my junior year, my best friend Rachel and I were asked to be leaders on the middle schoolers' mission trip to Ohio.  My first reaction was something like, "Gross, I hated middle school, why would I ever want to go back," and I think Rachel's was similar.  However, somehow we ended up going together, and that was one of the best trips I have ever been on.  I fell in love with all of the kids on the trip and both Rachel and I begged our pastor to let us be leaders in the fall.  This is my second year being a leader and I can't think of a better way I could be spending my Wednesday nights.  I love all the girls in my small group and I am still friends with the eighth graders from last year who moved on to high school.  Asking  them tough questions and leading them in discussions about God and His Word has strengthened my own faith so much.  It has taught me about the Lord, myself, and my girls.  It's one of my favorite nights of the week.  Pouring into their lives and that ministry has made me so much happier.  

So I'm not saying I have all the answers or that I'm a perfect person.  Hopefully I conveyed the message that I am a lazy, apathetic sinner who is in desperate need of my Shepherd to walk with me daily.  He has blessed me with opportunities to serve others, and that has made my life all the better.