Ponder In Your Own Hearts

"Reputation is what others think of us; character is what God knows of us. When you have spent what feels like eternity trying to repair a few moments of time that destroyed the view others once had of you then you must ask yourself if you have the problem or is it really them? God doesn’t make us try so hard, only enemies do.”

God doesn't make us try so hard. 

I'm really wrestling with guilt right now. People are talking about me - I'm no celebrity, but my life has sparked the interest, or rather gossip, of quite a few people. There are some people who really don't like me right now. I feel so degraded, so shamed, so worthless. 

But I'm sitting here reading Psalm 4: 

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!

    You have given me relief when I was in distress.

    Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!

  

O men,  how long shall my honor be turned into shame?

    How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself;

    the Lord hears when I call to him.

  

Be angry, and do not sin;

    Ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.  

Offer right sacrifices,

    and put your trust in the Lord.

 

There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?

    Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”

  

You have put more joy in my heart

    than they have when their grain and wine abound.

 

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;

    for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

When other people are slandering you and the devil is whispering sweet everythings of guilt straight into your heart, it's easy to think that God is disappointed, too. It's hard to feel forgiven by Him, when there are some people that you know will never forgive you. 

That's when it is most important to cling to His promises. Don't go talk to other people, and don't listen to them. Go to the Lord first. 

Ponder His promises: 
in silence, 
in solitude, 
in your heart.  

chicken noodle soup

Run and run and run through life

Only sleep if it’s absolutely necessary 

Pick up everybody else’s trash

You’re on your own, even if it’s scary 

You’re responsible for everything

What you’ve done, what you will become

Don’t ask for help - they’ll think you’re weak

Prove them wrong. Prove them wrong.

Graduate early, get straight As

Make lots of money, volunteer

Do what you love - love what you do

Be a good daughter, friend, listener

             [Love God, Serve Your Country]

Prepare to be a good wife, but just in case, 

Prepare to be a single, independent woman

Accept your role as woman

ReadtheBibleculturalcontextcomplimentarismmeekmildbeautifulgodlyjustdiligent

     inyourplacewhereyoubelong

Look \ beautiful

Talk \ intelligent

Sing \ on key

Eat \ healthy

Know the right people, say all the right things

(Is this too much to ask for yet?)

When your body is worn and tired

& can’t keep up anymore 

& suddenly shuts down

     I’ll be there with a cup of chicken noodle soup

I’ll push back your hair 

Away from your sweaty forehead 

I’ll hum softly and hold your hand

Never leave your side

Won’t say “I Told You So”

Only “I Love You Still"

Because everybody needs somebody, even you.

One of Millions

You are my Reality -- 
     
    the only thing I can be certain of.

You are the Sweetness of the early Morning, & the Warmth of the sun peeking out from the clouds and Enveloping my skin

      you are More precious than jewels, or a newborn Child

your Grace is impossible to comprehend or even find the words to...

You are as Still & Firm as the ground beneath my feet ,  &
       M O R E  ferocious than the crashing waves of the ocean or a mighty Lion.

How can I describe my Father, my Bridegroom, my Savior, my Lord?

There are no words, metaphors, or chord progressions that haven't already been uttered hundreds of thousands of times throughout history.
                   You have graciously made Yourself known to us - an invitation that we so often disregard.

& yet You Never give up. 
You Never tire of chasing our hearts, which are "Restless until they can find rest in You."

(and I do, I truly do. I find my rest in You)

                  I know this is one of millions of odes to You. 
But I know that you will treasure it anyway. 

Even When You Know It, "I Love You" is Still Nice To Hear Sometimes

This is going to sound silly.
It's going to sound cheesy and dramatic and you will probably think I'm reading too much into this...
But I know better.

& on a side note, I need to start taking myself - and life for that matter - seriously, because I tend to treat everything as a joke. This is a powerful coping mechanism, but it's completely not okay.

Anyway, back to tonight.

It starts with my friends convincing me to go to chapel tonight. After a long week of stressful exams and whatnot, I wanted to just curl up in my bed with Netflix, but something tugged on my heart and said, "Just go with them, what could it hurt? You need the credit anyway!"

So I went with them. The worship was...weird. My friends didn't like it that much. It definitely wasn't my ideal style/song choice, yet God chose to speak to me through the lyrics - and through Katie, the woman who spoke.

Katie talked about secrets and sacred things. She shared how she had been in Christian leadership for years, while hiding an eating disorder. She spoke of the freedom she experienced when she finally became vulnerable and shared things with other people and humbled herself to ask for help.

I was so struck by this, because I have been struggling with a particular sin for a while, and keeping it to myself has been incredibly hard. It has made me a really good liar, and developed a cynicism towards God and others in my heart. This year, the Lord has been making a lot of wonderful changes in my life and heart and has helped me conquer a lot of my sin... but I have not yet conquered the guilt and shame in the aftermath.

Because the thing about sin is that it's kind of bipolar - or maybe it's more that the devil has such polar tactics in tripping us up. Because one minute he will be like, "It's fine, it's no big deal, who's ever going to find out?" and all the other lies he uses to tempt us. Yet as soon as we acknowledge that what we have been doing is indeed wrong, the whispering voices immediately shift their tone from friendly to accusatory: "Don't you realize if anyone knew what you've done, they would be disgusted? They would hate you, they would never understand. You're a monster - you're worthless." We go from denial to guilt - and neither is an emotion that God wants us to feel.

Anyway, I love my college friends. I spend nearly every waking moment with them. However, the very thought of them ever discovering some of my secrets - of me being vulnerable with them and confessing not only my sin but the work Christ has accomplished in me - seemed overwhelming. They won't understand, they won't love me anymore. When they look at me all they will see is my ugly, awful sin. I sobbed at this thought that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.

Then we started singing "How Deep the Father's Love For Us" and I lost it.

I will not boast in anything,
No gifts, no power, no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ -
His death and resurrection. 

I kept thinking, what am I holding on to? My reputation as a perfect Christian girl who wants to go be a missionary someday? My identity in my friends' approval? My P R I D E ?  These were the things holding me back from being honest with the people in my life. Yet I cannot boast in any of these things. I can only boast in Jesus Christ - and to do so means to confess my sin and how He has delivered me from it! I would be an ugly monster if it weren't for Christ, and everyone should know it.

So I cried a lot, I stayed for extended worship, I talked to Katie afterwards and she prayed for me, blah blah. It was all nice and whatnot. But that's not the most important part of what happened tonight.

When Katie finished praying for me, I left and walked around campus for a while, trying to find a place to pray. I asked God that the Chapel would be open (they usually lock it) and low and behold - it was! So I went in and started praying. I started getting really into it with God and all of the sudden a Campus Safety guy barges in, turns the lights on and says he has to lock up. I was so frustrated. I thought, God, I ain't even close to being finished talking to you! Why did you let my time with You be interrupted? ......*crickets* surprise, surprise.

So I continue to walk around and I came across a field behind the dorms in which I live. I decided to walk around and sing some of the songs from tonight (I felt a little bit like a crazy person, but it's fine), and then I decided to lay in the grass and stare at the stars. I started praying again and honestly I don't even remember what I was saying to God at that point - I just remember I was feeling really discouraged and unloved by Him.

And as I looked up into the sky - to be honest, I didn't even dare to request it - I simply thought to myself, If God could give me a shooting star right now, that would be sick. I could really use a sign of His love. However, being the rational cynic that I am, I didn't even consider it actually happening.

And that's when it happened. God gave me a shooting star. It was so sudden, but so clear: its tail was a shimmery, purplish-pink color and the head was brighter than all the surrounding stars. It shot from left to right: It was there for a second, and then gone.

After that, I couldn't contain my joy. I just kept muttering, "God loves me - he really loves me!" and "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Talk about crazy person wandering around a field in the dark. But I truly didn't care. I just remember laughing and saying, "Are you serious right now? This is insane." I ran back to the dorms and told my friend Olivia right away, because I knew she'd take me seriously.

Anyway, I had to write this down, because I knew the more time that passed, the more it would seem like a dream. I don't ever want to think it was a dream - I don't ever want to doubt God's love for me or reduce the gift He gave me.

So that's my story. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Also He gave me my own shooting star, so I think that's pretty cool. He didn't have to do that - but I'm glad He did.

There's Something About the Morning

There’s something about the morning

Sweet silence

Crisp breeze

Waking up and remembering that I am alive

New light

Same sun

Walking and talking with my Father

Clear mind

Earnest heart

Another chance to find my purpose

Birds singing

Snow melting

& the rest of the world is slowly waking up;

I’ll sleep when I am dead

I’ll sleep when it is night

I will sleep when it is dark.

"I Do What I Want"

As a Christian, I have an attitude problem.

Sounds a little contradictory, huh? Well it's true. I've always been kind and friendly to authority figures because I'm a people pleaser. However, if I don't like something they are doing or telling me to do, I go into this mode, "Well forget you! I answer to God and God alone so why should I respect you if I don't like you or you don't deserve it?" This hasn't caused a lot of problems in my life because I really like and respect my parents, teachers and most of my other authority figures.  But there have been times, I'm ashamed to admit, when I have behaved terribly due to this hyperconfidence I have in the fact that I obey God.

I was reading Romans 13 this morning in this super cute, vintage coffee shop downtown. I was really surprised by what I found. I don't think I've ever read this passage before but it says, "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgement on themselves." Wow, right? Just take a moment and let that sink in. God APPOINTS all authorities? So those of you more conservative Christians are probably thinking, "you mean it was in God's will for Obama to get re-elected? Not a chance." But that's basically what this passage is saying, unless I'm grossly misinterpreting it.

I think this is good news and bad news, at least for me. The bad news is that I can't arrogantly walk around like some kind of royalty and just choose to respect whatever authority I like or agree with. I am called to respect and submit to ALL authority in my life, because if I don't, I'm not respecting the Lord who is my ultimate authority. It's pretty humbling. The good news, though, is that for one thing, I will probably be a much more pleasant person if I start applying this to my life ;) which will bring glory to God and be a great testament to my faith as a follower of Christ. The second piece of good news is that this just shows how sovereign God is. It is so comforting to know that even when I don't understand it, He has an ultimate plan and purpose. There is a reason my parents are MY parents. My teachers weren't just randomly assigned to me. God put my boss in my life for a reason. How cool is that? I just feel so safe knowing that He is in control. It's a hard concept to grasp when I really disagree with what my authorities are doing, but that's where faith and trust come in I suppose. He is good. He works our all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

It isn't going to be an easy change for me to make. But I think its something we all need to learn to do, whether with the government, at work, at school, in families or marriage, whatever. Just like when Jesus says that when we clothe and feed the poor we are clothing and feeding Him, in the same way when we submit to our earthly authorities we are submitting to Him.

And please feel free to hold me accountable to this new resolution I have. I'm a work in progress... But we all are!

Reawakening My Nervous System

"I feel numb"

        An oxymoron, clearly

                   But sometimes I do.  

                            How else can we describe the feeling of not feeling anything at all? 

When I think back to my freshman year I realize how much I cared.  I wanted everyone to think I was cool, pretty, fashionable, smart and not trying too hard.  I wanted to be all of my teachers' favorite student and have a perfect GPA.  I wanted to get all the leads in the school plays.  I wanted to constantly impress my boyfriend.  I wanted to be in the worship band every week.  Most of these are great goals, but I just don't feel the same way anymore.  Blame senioritis, cold weather or whatever else, but I'm finding that everyday as I get closer to the glorious date of June 2nd when I will be forever done with high school, I just don't care.  I absolutely love some of my teachers, but if one or two of them doesn't particularly like me, it doesn't bother me at all.  I feel like half of my life I walk around in sweatpants with no makeup on, although I do put in some effort the other 50% of the time.  My GPA is far from perfect - although it did get me into my dream school so that's good enough for me.  Since I've already been accepted, though, it's difficult to still care about school.  I'm in the school play and I've got a good part but I find myself bored at rehearsal.  Oh and my mentality has completely shifted from freshman year when I was all, "FRIENDS!!! MAKE ALL THE FRIENDS SMILE AT EVERYONE AND BE REALLY NICE AND FUNNY" to "If you're not already my friend I don't even want to make small talk with you because it's not worth my time."  I'm not trying to glorify my attitude, but I really hope some of you are starting to relate to how I've been feeling this year.     

So how do you make yourself care?  How do you keep your apathy from overflowing into your relationship with God?  These are the kinds of questions that I have to ask myself daily.  I have to fight against laziness, selfishness and apathy.  I have to make time for the Lord even when I don't feel like it.  One of the hardest things to do each day is merely opening the pages of the Bible - but once I do, I am so glad I did.  

Outside of my spiritual life, the few things that have kept me going this year are actually surprising.  One of those things is tutoring.  I had to join a volunteer agency for my AP Econ class, so I decided to become a tutor.  Everyday I spend my lunch period attempting to help kids with their homework or editing their papers.  I went into it expecting to hate the experience, but so far I've been proven wrong.  All of the kids that I've helped have been so sweet, friendly and willing to accept my help.  Helping them gives me a satisfaction that I can't even describe.  I think we were created with a desire to serve others, you know?  Some of us are better than others, but we all have it in us.  We were created in the image of God, and He demonstrates His passion for serving others through all of the things Jesus did on earth: healing strangers, washing his disciples' feet, asking John to baptize Him, and of course His ultimate sacrifice of dying for us.  Because of this, I truly believe that one of the best anti-depressants is serving others!  This is something I've learned not only through tutoring, but through the middle school ministry at my church.

The summer before my junior year, my best friend Rachel and I were asked to be leaders on the middle schoolers' mission trip to Ohio.  My first reaction was something like, "Gross, I hated middle school, why would I ever want to go back," and I think Rachel's was similar.  However, somehow we ended up going together, and that was one of the best trips I have ever been on.  I fell in love with all of the kids on the trip and both Rachel and I begged our pastor to let us be leaders in the fall.  This is my second year being a leader and I can't think of a better way I could be spending my Wednesday nights.  I love all the girls in my small group and I am still friends with the eighth graders from last year who moved on to high school.  Asking  them tough questions and leading them in discussions about God and His Word has strengthened my own faith so much.  It has taught me about the Lord, myself, and my girls.  It's one of my favorite nights of the week.  Pouring into their lives and that ministry has made me so much happier.  

So I'm not saying I have all the answers or that I'm a perfect person.  Hopefully I conveyed the message that I am a lazy, apathetic sinner who is in desperate need of my Shepherd to walk with me daily.  He has blessed me with opportunities to serve others, and that has made my life all the better.