"I Do What I Want"

As a Christian, I have an attitude problem.

Sounds a little contradictory, huh? Well it's true. I've always been kind and friendly to authority figures because I'm a people pleaser. However, if I don't like something they are doing or telling me to do, I go into this mode, "Well forget you! I answer to God and God alone so why should I respect you if I don't like you or you don't deserve it?" This hasn't caused a lot of problems in my life because I really like and respect my parents, teachers and most of my other authority figures.  But there have been times, I'm ashamed to admit, when I have behaved terribly due to this hyperconfidence I have in the fact that I obey God.

I was reading Romans 13 this morning in this super cute, vintage coffee shop downtown. I was really surprised by what I found. I don't think I've ever read this passage before but it says, "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgement on themselves." Wow, right? Just take a moment and let that sink in. God APPOINTS all authorities? So those of you more conservative Christians are probably thinking, "you mean it was in God's will for Obama to get re-elected? Not a chance." But that's basically what this passage is saying, unless I'm grossly misinterpreting it.

I think this is good news and bad news, at least for me. The bad news is that I can't arrogantly walk around like some kind of royalty and just choose to respect whatever authority I like or agree with. I am called to respect and submit to ALL authority in my life, because if I don't, I'm not respecting the Lord who is my ultimate authority. It's pretty humbling. The good news, though, is that for one thing, I will probably be a much more pleasant person if I start applying this to my life ;) which will bring glory to God and be a great testament to my faith as a follower of Christ. The second piece of good news is that this just shows how sovereign God is. It is so comforting to know that even when I don't understand it, He has an ultimate plan and purpose. There is a reason my parents are MY parents. My teachers weren't just randomly assigned to me. God put my boss in my life for a reason. How cool is that? I just feel so safe knowing that He is in control. It's a hard concept to grasp when I really disagree with what my authorities are doing, but that's where faith and trust come in I suppose. He is good. He works our all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

It isn't going to be an easy change for me to make. But I think its something we all need to learn to do, whether with the government, at work, at school, in families or marriage, whatever. Just like when Jesus says that when we clothe and feed the poor we are clothing and feeding Him, in the same way when we submit to our earthly authorities we are submitting to Him.

And please feel free to hold me accountable to this new resolution I have. I'm a work in progress... But we all are!

Reawakening My Nervous System

"I feel numb"

        An oxymoron, clearly

                   But sometimes I do.  

                            How else can we describe the feeling of not feeling anything at all? 

When I think back to my freshman year I realize how much I cared.  I wanted everyone to think I was cool, pretty, fashionable, smart and not trying too hard.  I wanted to be all of my teachers' favorite student and have a perfect GPA.  I wanted to get all the leads in the school plays.  I wanted to constantly impress my boyfriend.  I wanted to be in the worship band every week.  Most of these are great goals, but I just don't feel the same way anymore.  Blame senioritis, cold weather or whatever else, but I'm finding that everyday as I get closer to the glorious date of June 2nd when I will be forever done with high school, I just don't care.  I absolutely love some of my teachers, but if one or two of them doesn't particularly like me, it doesn't bother me at all.  I feel like half of my life I walk around in sweatpants with no makeup on, although I do put in some effort the other 50% of the time.  My GPA is far from perfect - although it did get me into my dream school so that's good enough for me.  Since I've already been accepted, though, it's difficult to still care about school.  I'm in the school play and I've got a good part but I find myself bored at rehearsal.  Oh and my mentality has completely shifted from freshman year when I was all, "FRIENDS!!! MAKE ALL THE FRIENDS SMILE AT EVERYONE AND BE REALLY NICE AND FUNNY" to "If you're not already my friend I don't even want to make small talk with you because it's not worth my time."  I'm not trying to glorify my attitude, but I really hope some of you are starting to relate to how I've been feeling this year.     

So how do you make yourself care?  How do you keep your apathy from overflowing into your relationship with God?  These are the kinds of questions that I have to ask myself daily.  I have to fight against laziness, selfishness and apathy.  I have to make time for the Lord even when I don't feel like it.  One of the hardest things to do each day is merely opening the pages of the Bible - but once I do, I am so glad I did.  

Outside of my spiritual life, the few things that have kept me going this year are actually surprising.  One of those things is tutoring.  I had to join a volunteer agency for my AP Econ class, so I decided to become a tutor.  Everyday I spend my lunch period attempting to help kids with their homework or editing their papers.  I went into it expecting to hate the experience, but so far I've been proven wrong.  All of the kids that I've helped have been so sweet, friendly and willing to accept my help.  Helping them gives me a satisfaction that I can't even describe.  I think we were created with a desire to serve others, you know?  Some of us are better than others, but we all have it in us.  We were created in the image of God, and He demonstrates His passion for serving others through all of the things Jesus did on earth: healing strangers, washing his disciples' feet, asking John to baptize Him, and of course His ultimate sacrifice of dying for us.  Because of this, I truly believe that one of the best anti-depressants is serving others!  This is something I've learned not only through tutoring, but through the middle school ministry at my church.

The summer before my junior year, my best friend Rachel and I were asked to be leaders on the middle schoolers' mission trip to Ohio.  My first reaction was something like, "Gross, I hated middle school, why would I ever want to go back," and I think Rachel's was similar.  However, somehow we ended up going together, and that was one of the best trips I have ever been on.  I fell in love with all of the kids on the trip and both Rachel and I begged our pastor to let us be leaders in the fall.  This is my second year being a leader and I can't think of a better way I could be spending my Wednesday nights.  I love all the girls in my small group and I am still friends with the eighth graders from last year who moved on to high school.  Asking  them tough questions and leading them in discussions about God and His Word has strengthened my own faith so much.  It has taught me about the Lord, myself, and my girls.  It's one of my favorite nights of the week.  Pouring into their lives and that ministry has made me so much happier.  

So I'm not saying I have all the answers or that I'm a perfect person.  Hopefully I conveyed the message that I am a lazy, apathetic sinner who is in desperate need of my Shepherd to walk with me daily.  He has blessed me with opportunities to serve others, and that has made my life all the better.     

  

Thoughts From Elisabeth Elliot

“The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman.”  Kudos to Elisabeth Elliot right there.

This year on November 6th I was given the opportunity to vote because I had just turned eighteen.  It was definitely exciting to be apart of the democracy that we are so blessed to have in America and voice my opinion on a ballot, but I never stopped to consider that 100 years ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.  Not only because I'm only 18 and the voting age wasn't lowered from 21 until the 26th Amendment in 1971... but more importantly, because I'm a woman. 

Being a woman is fantastic sometimes.  You get to cry whenever you want, be pretty, not get drafted in wars and stuff, have a miraculous life living inside you, *supposedly* have doors opened for you, shave your legs, and most importantly: a woman almost always has an accompaniment to the bathroom!  On top of those perks, we now have the opportunity to get a top-notch education and job, to vote, run for any office, and stand up for our equality.  Life is pretty good for us ladyfolk.  

There's one problem though.  What about Christians?  The Bible makes women seem lowly and forces them to cover their heads, be slaves to their husbands and basically blames Eve for the fall of mankind.  According to the Bible, the man has to be the leader of the house, the church, etc... and I have to respect him.  What about in the book of Esther when the King decides he doesn't like his wife anymore?  He just gets rid of her and creates a beauty contest/talent show to find a new one!  So women are objectified, belittled, and definitely not considered equal to men.  Doesn't sound like a friendly world para las chicas, eh?  

But I love Christ.  I want to follow Him and I believe the Bible is "God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" (2 Tim 3:16-17).  So how am I supposed to deal with this?  How do I embrace who I am as a woman and stand up for my rights while honoring God and what He wants for my life?

I don't actually have the answers to these questions.  I'm still trying to figure this all out, but I know this much.  Jesus respected women.  He was gentle and affectionate towards the prostitute who came into a pharisee's home and washed Christ's feet with her tears (Luke 7:37-50).          

Careful What You Wish For

This morning, I was listening to Pandora while browsing college stuff online.  Jack Johnson’s cover of John Lennon’s “Imagine” started playing.  The song opens with, “Imagine there’s no heaven…” and then goes on to describe a utopia that he and others dream of without hell, poverty, religion, war, material possessions, etc.  As I sat there trying to imagine this world that Lennon is describing, I suddenly became overcome with the irony of it all. 

                So imagine there’s no Heaven.  How can we imagine something doesn’t exist when we’ve never seen it?  I think we first need to imagine what Heaven is like. 

The Bible describes it as being a house in which God has prepared many rooms for us (John 14:2, 2 Cor 5:1, Rev 21:3).  If Heaven is a house big enough to fit the Being who imagined and created the entire universe, that’s got to be a HUGE mansion.  It would put Oprah Winfrey’s pad to shame.  Just try to wrap your head around that with me, and we’ll keep going.

Heaven is referred to as a kingdom that the adopted sons and daughters of God will inherit (John 1:12, Hebrews 12:28, 1Thes 2:12, Eph 5:5, Luke 12:32).  It also says that God is a great King who rules over all (Psalm 47:2, Psalm 103:19).  Knowing this, my imagination is now shifting from picturing an enormous mansion to a glorious castle.  If a perfect and powerful King has limited resources and space, He is probably going to go all out in designing His home. 

As far as we know for sure, no one has seen Heaven and lived to talk about it (John 3:13).  However, a man named John was given a dream – a vision – in which he caught a glimpse of the glory of Heaven.  He describes it as:

“Having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.  It had a great, high wall, with twelve gates, and at the gates twelve angels, and on the gates the names of the twelve tribes of the sons of Israel were inscribed— on the east three gates, on the north three gates, on the south three gates, and on the west three gates.  And the wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the twelve names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.

 And the one who spoke with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city and its gates and walls.  The city lies foursquare, its length the same as its width.  And he measured the city with his rod, 12,000 stadia.  Its length and width and height are equal.  He also measured its wall, 144 cubits by human measurement, which is also an angel's measurement.  The wall was built of jasper, while the city was pure gold, like clear glass.  The foundations of the wall of the city were adorned with every kind of jewel.  The first was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald,  the fifth onyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, the twelfth amethyst.  And the twelve gates were twelve pearls, each of the gates made of a single pearl, and the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass” (Rev 21:11-21).

If you ever wanted an intricate description of what Heaven looks like, there it is.  I don’t know about you, but this exceeded my imagination by far. 

Now we just need to understand one more thing about Heaven before we start imagining life without its existence.  In Heaven there is no death, sickness, pain, war, sadness, hunger or thirst (Rev 7:17, Rev. 21:4, Job 3:17, 2 Thess. 1:7, Luke 20:36, Rev 7:16-17).  This is where I can’t help but laugh at the song “Imagine.”  In a song that starts out saying, “Imagine there’s no Heaven,” it goes on to describe everything that Heaven is!  A perfect, peaceful world. 

I think we’re thoroughly informed at this point, so let’s imagine.  Heaven doesn’t exist.  Would our world be better?  Oops, forgot something.  “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth” (Genesis 1:1).  Chances are if God didn’t create Heaven, He didn’t create the earth either.  

Awkward… we just imagined ourselves out of existence.  

Not Two Worlds But One Cross

Tonight I got into conversation with a customer at the restaurant where I work.  When I told him I wanted to be a missionary, he asked me if I evangelized in my everyday life.  I said, “Not much, actually…” and he asked why.  If I’m being honest, I have a lot of messes to clean up in my life.  For a while during high school I was a hypocrite.  I didn’t live a reckless and aberrant life on the weekends, but I separated my life as a Christian and my life at school.  I never talked to my unsaved friends about church or the Lord because I was afraid they would think I was only befriending them with conversion in mind.  I didn’t know how to integrate my two worlds smoothly, so I kept them apart.  As a result, I practically became two different people.  Though I was sober through it all, I’m not proud of the gossip I partook in, the clothes I occasionally wore and the crude jokes I made.  Once you lay down that foundation it’s hard to prove to people that you’ve changed.  Now I feel as if witnessing to my friend would be ridiculous. 

“Hey, let me tell you about this Jesus who changed my life and –”   

“Um, changed your life how?  You don’t seem any different than the rest of us.”

God wasn’t going to let that happen, though.  He’s been calling me this whole time and I’m finally answering.  It took an older man at California Pizza Kitchen challenging me to make me realize how wrong I’ve been. 

Now, I’m going to focus on an audience of One.  I want to live to please Him and if anyone thinks I’m inconsistent, let them talk.  Let them call me a fake , a liar, a hypocrite.  Let them reject me and even get a little angry.  Even if I stand alone, I’m not going to stand with my feet balancing between two different worlds anymore.  I’m going to stand at the foot of the cross.

 “¹⁵ Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world,  the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶ For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. ¹⁷ And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.”                                                         -1 John 2:15-17   

Promises

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  I've been pretty busy making some bad decisions.  But I think it's about time to write again.

So I had a "thing" with this guy.  Some might call it dating, but I don't really know what to call it.  It doesn't matter what it was though, because after about a month it ended.  I took it a lot harder than....well, let's just say that I guy that I only knew for a month did not deserve that much of my affections.  Granted, it happened at a time in which there were a million other stressful/painful things happening in my life.  But I still couldn't figure out why this thing, this boy had hurt me so badly, which made me confused and angry.  

         I'm not going to lie - I was angry at God.  I felt like he was punishing me because this boy wasn't a Christian.  I imagined Him shaking His head at me saying, "Alright, Maggie, I told you not to be yoked to nonbelievers.  You disobeyed me and this is what you get.  I am gonna make you hurt so bad, and you're gonna learn your lesson.  This'll teach you!"  That is legitimately what I thought was happening.  But He is a "compassionate and  g r a c i o u s  God, slow to anger, abounding in love and FAITHFULNESS." -Exodus 34:6.  My anger melted away the moment I realized that.  The Lord doesn't want to see me hurting.  But if I do go through heartache or suffering, He uses it for GOOD!  And He reminds me that I have so much to look forward too, and that even though things may look rough now, in the big scheme of things these little problems are so unimportant.  Romans 8 says,

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us...We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Aren't those wonderful promises to cling to?  There are so many more, too!  The list is endless.  

"I will never leave you nor forsake you"... 

                                                                      

                                                                    "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you"...

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"...

                                                                

                                                                  "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall want for nothing"...

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?"

Those are just a few, but I think you get the idea.  I sure did.  And I won't smile and pretend that He immediately erased all my pain.  But it's not the same type of pain anymore.  It's almost like it's turning into a scar now.  The mark will always be there, along with hundreds of other marks of heartache and pain in my life.  But it's not a wound anymore.  The Lord is healing me in ways that no one and no thing ever could.  He is patient and merciful and loving and unlike any other.  He is good, and He keeps His PROMISES.  :) 

Things That Are Dumb.

1. Reality TV

2. Mosquitoes

3.Religions having to do with spaghetti

4. My physics class

5.Fighting with your siblings over the bathroom

6. Sheep

7. Me

I am a very dumb person and I have just fully come to understand that fact (hence further proving this truth!)

See, I just keep doing these things and they are VERY DUMB.

So first of all, I performed a couple songs that I wrote for my school today.  The whole time I was worrying about what people thought of ME, if they would like MY voice, MY words, MY guitar-playing skills.  Even though the songs I had written were about God, I certainly thought little of Him today.  But He was thinking of me.

After I performed, a girl who I've never met before came up to me.

     "Maggie, you were so good!  I loved your songs!"

     "Aww, thanks!"  I replied.

     "And guess what?"  She said shyly, "I know what your songs were about!" 

     "Really?"  I grinned.

     "Yea, you're a Christian, aren't you?"

      I laughed.  "Yep!"
     "I knew it!"  She beamed, "I was so excited when I heard what you were singing about!"

I thanked her again and asked what her name was.  She said it was Lauren.

     Well thank you again, Lauren.  For showing me how dumb I am.  Here I am worrying about if people like me and if I'll mess up and all sorts of other things, and all the while God was using my song to encourage someone else.  If that was the only good that came out of my performance, it was totally worth it.

     And here's another thing that I will be less specific about.  I have been struggling with many temptations these past couple of weeks.  Maybe it's because of stress or lack of sleep but whatever the case it  has just been a really bad....month.  I was planning on doing something pretty dumb, and I knew that God could hear my every thought and search the depths of my heart but I didn't care.  I was just kind of saying, "Whatever, God.  I'll do what I want when I want to because I CAN."  Which of course, is dumb in itself.  He had every right to come down and lecture me like he did to Job (chapter 38): 

"Who is this who darkens counsel
By words without knowledge?
³ Now prepare yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer Me.

⁴ “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Tell Me, if you have understanding.
⁵ Who determined its measurements?
Surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
⁶ To what were its foundations fastened?
Or who laid its cornerstone,
⁷ When the morning stars sang together,
And all the sons of God shouted for joy?"

I mean, He didn't actually come down and say all that to me.  He didn't have to.

     Because here I am, about to do this dumb thing, and GOD USES IT FOR HIMSELF.  Right?  I mean, he just plain worked it all out according to His own plan.  I wish I could give you more detail than that, but just trust me when I say that it was pretty crazy.

Am I surprised?  No.  

Proverbs 16:9 “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” 

Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” 

  

     You know, in the bible, God compares us to sheep many times.  I don't know much about sheep, but if I know anything, it's that they are very DUMB.  But when they follow their shepherd, they do what is best for them.  They are safe and happy under his watch.  

     No, thinking about it, I am not surprised at all.