You Don't Have to Run Alone

 This is the "Roller Coaster Ridge" trail 

in San Clemente, CA:

My dad came to visit me for my birthday last semester, and we decided to brave this hike together. Neither of us are regular hikers or in particularly exceptional shape, so it wasn't easy. But boy, did we have fun. It's honestly one of my favorite memories with him - which is saying a lot, because I'm a Daddy's girl, through and through. I love him so much and it's always precious when we get to spend time together.

But there's a reason this memory sticks out to me. (Besides all the silly pictures we took together!) Recently, while I was spending some quiet time reading Hebrews 12, I was reminded of my father and I's most recent adventure together. It made me think about temptations and perseverance in a different way than I normally do, and I wanted to share some thoughts.

"Therefore...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

It is really, really hard to resist temptation. Sin clings SO closely - and guilt weighs heavily upon my heart sometimes.

I struggle on a daily basis to spend intentional time in prayer and fellowship with God, to fight lust, to hold in hurtful words against the people in my life, to not be lazy, to resist the pride of my accomplishments, and to surrender control of my life to God, and much more. 
Honestly, I just get tired.

When you're on a long run, some miles are easier than others. Sometimes your chest is burning and your legs feel like lead and you just think, "I can't do this anymore - I have to stop, I have to either give up or throw up." I remember having those feelings on the Roller Coaster Ridge hike. Although, as difficult as it was, we never got to the point of shedding blood.

In Hebrews 12, Paul calls us to think about the struggle against temptations that Jesus had to face:

"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives."

Sometimes I feel like fighting temptations is a battle that I have to go through alone. I imagine God looking down on me, closely watching, saying, "You better not screw it up this time. Work harder. Run faster. If Jesus did it, you can too." But that is such a perverted lie. Paul doesn't tell us about what Jesus accomplished to fan the flame of competition within us. He tells us as an encouragement. 

Because Jesus has already run the race, he knows all the ups and downs and turns that we cannot foresee. He ran ahead so that he could come back and run with us. Yes, it's hard, and that's why Paul calls it "discipline." But discipline is a process that God takes us through - not alone, but with HIM. Why? Because he so desperately, wonderfully, and unconditionally adores us. 

That's why he wants us to endure. I think about my own father, and how much he loves me. When I was little and he punished me, I never questioned whether or not I had lost his approval or affections. So why do I question that with God, who loves me so much more? 


"It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

I love the feeling of "runner's high." The running part itself, I'm not a big fan of. But after you get done with a long run, stretch and take a nice warm shower, you just feel so good. Running is painful, but it yields the reward of feeling amazing and being healthy and sleeping better (and eating that delicious slice of chocolate cake without experiencing guilt or regret!)

God knows what is good for us. Just like our parents did when we were little - although honestly, my parents STILL know better than I do - He sees things that we don't see. He sees all the intricate threads woven in the world and he stands outside of time. He knows how helpless we are, and that sin clings to us. In fact, he could leave us all alone to our stupidity and own demise. But he loves us too much to do that. He wants us to experience that runner's high - so like a coach or a loving dad, he pushes us.



But he is with us the whole time. In fact, not only is he with us, cheering us on, praying and interceding for us, but in Corinthians Paul says:


"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
                 

God is with us. He is for us. He's not waiting to laugh at us when we fail, or say, "I told you so." He wants us to succeed and he helps us to do it. We never, ever have to run alone.

Ponder In Your Own Hearts

"Reputation is what others think of us; character is what God knows of us. When you have spent what feels like eternity trying to repair a few moments of time that destroyed the view others once had of you then you must ask yourself if you have the problem or is it really them? God doesn’t make us try so hard, only enemies do.”

God doesn't make us try so hard. 

I'm really wrestling with guilt right now. People are talking about me - I'm no celebrity, but my life has sparked the interest, or rather gossip, of quite a few people. There are some people who really don't like me right now. I feel so degraded, so shamed, so worthless. 

But I'm sitting here reading Psalm 4: 

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!

    You have given me relief when I was in distress.

    Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!

  

O men,  how long shall my honor be turned into shame?

    How long will you love vain words and seek after lies? But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself;

    the Lord hears when I call to him.

  

Be angry, and do not sin;

    Ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.  

Offer right sacrifices,

    and put your trust in the Lord.

 

There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?

    Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”

  

You have put more joy in my heart

    than they have when their grain and wine abound.

 

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;

    for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

When other people are slandering you and the devil is whispering sweet everythings of guilt straight into your heart, it's easy to think that God is disappointed, too. It's hard to feel forgiven by Him, when there are some people that you know will never forgive you. 

That's when it is most important to cling to His promises. Don't go talk to other people, and don't listen to them. Go to the Lord first. 

Ponder His promises: 
in silence, 
in solitude, 
in your heart.  

chicken noodle soup

Run and run and run through life

Only sleep if it’s absolutely necessary 

Pick up everybody else’s trash

You’re on your own, even if it’s scary 

You’re responsible for everything

What you’ve done, what you will become

Don’t ask for help - they’ll think you’re weak

Prove them wrong. Prove them wrong.

Graduate early, get straight As

Make lots of money, volunteer

Do what you love - love what you do

Be a good daughter, friend, listener

             [Love God, Serve Your Country]

Prepare to be a good wife, but just in case, 

Prepare to be a single, independent woman

Accept your role as woman

ReadtheBibleculturalcontextcomplimentarismmeekmildbeautifulgodlyjustdiligent

     inyourplacewhereyoubelong

Look \ beautiful

Talk \ intelligent

Sing \ on key

Eat \ healthy

Know the right people, say all the right things

(Is this too much to ask for yet?)

When your body is worn and tired

& can’t keep up anymore 

& suddenly shuts down

     I’ll be there with a cup of chicken noodle soup

I’ll push back your hair 

Away from your sweaty forehead 

I’ll hum softly and hold your hand

Never leave your side

Won’t say “I Told You So”

Only “I Love You Still"

Because everybody needs somebody, even you.

One of Millions

You are my Reality -- 
     
    the only thing I can be certain of.

You are the Sweetness of the early Morning, & the Warmth of the sun peeking out from the clouds and Enveloping my skin

      you are More precious than jewels, or a newborn Child

your Grace is impossible to comprehend or even find the words to...

You are as Still & Firm as the ground beneath my feet ,  &
       M O R E  ferocious than the crashing waves of the ocean or a mighty Lion.

How can I describe my Father, my Bridegroom, my Savior, my Lord?

There are no words, metaphors, or chord progressions that haven't already been uttered hundreds of thousands of times throughout history.
                   You have graciously made Yourself known to us - an invitation that we so often disregard.

& yet You Never give up. 
You Never tire of chasing our hearts, which are "Restless until they can find rest in You."

(and I do, I truly do. I find my rest in You)

                  I know this is one of millions of odes to You. 
But I know that you will treasure it anyway. 

Even When You Know It, "I Love You" is Still Nice To Hear Sometimes

This is going to sound silly.
It's going to sound cheesy and dramatic and you will probably think I'm reading too much into this...
But I know better.

& on a side note, I need to start taking myself - and life for that matter - seriously, because I tend to treat everything as a joke. This is a powerful coping mechanism, but it's completely not okay.

Anyway, back to tonight.

It starts with my friends convincing me to go to chapel tonight. After a long week of stressful exams and whatnot, I wanted to just curl up in my bed with Netflix, but something tugged on my heart and said, "Just go with them, what could it hurt? You need the credit anyway!"

So I went with them. The worship was...weird. My friends didn't like it that much. It definitely wasn't my ideal style/song choice, yet God chose to speak to me through the lyrics - and through Katie, the woman who spoke.

Katie talked about secrets and sacred things. She shared how she had been in Christian leadership for years, while hiding an eating disorder. She spoke of the freedom she experienced when she finally became vulnerable and shared things with other people and humbled herself to ask for help.

I was so struck by this, because I have been struggling with a particular sin for a while, and keeping it to myself has been incredibly hard. It has made me a really good liar, and developed a cynicism towards God and others in my heart. This year, the Lord has been making a lot of wonderful changes in my life and heart and has helped me conquer a lot of my sin... but I have not yet conquered the guilt and shame in the aftermath.

Because the thing about sin is that it's kind of bipolar - or maybe it's more that the devil has such polar tactics in tripping us up. Because one minute he will be like, "It's fine, it's no big deal, who's ever going to find out?" and all the other lies he uses to tempt us. Yet as soon as we acknowledge that what we have been doing is indeed wrong, the whispering voices immediately shift their tone from friendly to accusatory: "Don't you realize if anyone knew what you've done, they would be disgusted? They would hate you, they would never understand. You're a monster - you're worthless." We go from denial to guilt - and neither is an emotion that God wants us to feel.

Anyway, I love my college friends. I spend nearly every waking moment with them. However, the very thought of them ever discovering some of my secrets - of me being vulnerable with them and confessing not only my sin but the work Christ has accomplished in me - seemed overwhelming. They won't understand, they won't love me anymore. When they look at me all they will see is my ugly, awful sin. I sobbed at this thought that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.

Then we started singing "How Deep the Father's Love For Us" and I lost it.

I will not boast in anything,
No gifts, no power, no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ -
His death and resurrection. 

I kept thinking, what am I holding on to? My reputation as a perfect Christian girl who wants to go be a missionary someday? My identity in my friends' approval? My P R I D E ?  These were the things holding me back from being honest with the people in my life. Yet I cannot boast in any of these things. I can only boast in Jesus Christ - and to do so means to confess my sin and how He has delivered me from it! I would be an ugly monster if it weren't for Christ, and everyone should know it.

So I cried a lot, I stayed for extended worship, I talked to Katie afterwards and she prayed for me, blah blah. It was all nice and whatnot. But that's not the most important part of what happened tonight.

When Katie finished praying for me, I left and walked around campus for a while, trying to find a place to pray. I asked God that the Chapel would be open (they usually lock it) and low and behold - it was! So I went in and started praying. I started getting really into it with God and all of the sudden a Campus Safety guy barges in, turns the lights on and says he has to lock up. I was so frustrated. I thought, God, I ain't even close to being finished talking to you! Why did you let my time with You be interrupted? ......*crickets* surprise, surprise.

So I continue to walk around and I came across a field behind the dorms in which I live. I decided to walk around and sing some of the songs from tonight (I felt a little bit like a crazy person, but it's fine), and then I decided to lay in the grass and stare at the stars. I started praying again and honestly I don't even remember what I was saying to God at that point - I just remember I was feeling really discouraged and unloved by Him.

And as I looked up into the sky - to be honest, I didn't even dare to request it - I simply thought to myself, If God could give me a shooting star right now, that would be sick. I could really use a sign of His love. However, being the rational cynic that I am, I didn't even consider it actually happening.

And that's when it happened. God gave me a shooting star. It was so sudden, but so clear: its tail was a shimmery, purplish-pink color and the head was brighter than all the surrounding stars. It shot from left to right: It was there for a second, and then gone.

After that, I couldn't contain my joy. I just kept muttering, "God loves me - he really loves me!" and "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Talk about crazy person wandering around a field in the dark. But I truly didn't care. I just remember laughing and saying, "Are you serious right now? This is insane." I ran back to the dorms and told my friend Olivia right away, because I knew she'd take me seriously.

Anyway, I had to write this down, because I knew the more time that passed, the more it would seem like a dream. I don't ever want to think it was a dream - I don't ever want to doubt God's love for me or reduce the gift He gave me.

So that's my story. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Also He gave me my own shooting star, so I think that's pretty cool. He didn't have to do that - but I'm glad He did.

There's Something About the Morning

There’s something about the morning

Sweet silence

Crisp breeze

Waking up and remembering that I am alive

New light

Same sun

Walking and talking with my Father

Clear mind

Earnest heart

Another chance to find my purpose

Birds singing

Snow melting

& the rest of the world is slowly waking up;

I’ll sleep when I am dead

I’ll sleep when it is night

I will sleep when it is dark.

"I Do What I Want"

As a Christian, I have an attitude problem.

Sounds a little contradictory, huh? Well it's true. I've always been kind and friendly to authority figures because I'm a people pleaser. However, if I don't like something they are doing or telling me to do, I go into this mode, "Well forget you! I answer to God and God alone so why should I respect you if I don't like you or you don't deserve it?" This hasn't caused a lot of problems in my life because I really like and respect my parents, teachers and most of my other authority figures.  But there have been times, I'm ashamed to admit, when I have behaved terribly due to this hyperconfidence I have in the fact that I obey God.

I was reading Romans 13 this morning in this super cute, vintage coffee shop downtown. I was really surprised by what I found. I don't think I've ever read this passage before but it says, "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgement on themselves." Wow, right? Just take a moment and let that sink in. God APPOINTS all authorities? So those of you more conservative Christians are probably thinking, "you mean it was in God's will for Obama to get re-elected? Not a chance." But that's basically what this passage is saying, unless I'm grossly misinterpreting it.

I think this is good news and bad news, at least for me. The bad news is that I can't arrogantly walk around like some kind of royalty and just choose to respect whatever authority I like or agree with. I am called to respect and submit to ALL authority in my life, because if I don't, I'm not respecting the Lord who is my ultimate authority. It's pretty humbling. The good news, though, is that for one thing, I will probably be a much more pleasant person if I start applying this to my life ;) which will bring glory to God and be a great testament to my faith as a follower of Christ. The second piece of good news is that this just shows how sovereign God is. It is so comforting to know that even when I don't understand it, He has an ultimate plan and purpose. There is a reason my parents are MY parents. My teachers weren't just randomly assigned to me. God put my boss in my life for a reason. How cool is that? I just feel so safe knowing that He is in control. It's a hard concept to grasp when I really disagree with what my authorities are doing, but that's where faith and trust come in I suppose. He is good. He works our all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

It isn't going to be an easy change for me to make. But I think its something we all need to learn to do, whether with the government, at work, at school, in families or marriage, whatever. Just like when Jesus says that when we clothe and feed the poor we are clothing and feeding Him, in the same way when we submit to our earthly authorities we are submitting to Him.

And please feel free to hold me accountable to this new resolution I have. I'm a work in progress... But we all are!